Forget referendums, protest new laws into existence!

Public protest, Dublin.

People marching to have Mark McCabe's Maniac 2000 as the national anthem

It happened at midnight, midweek. The law overnight turned a portion of the population into dope fiends, the scourge of society who were trying to get our youth addicted to the most evil force to face us since Hitler’s band of racially insane Nazi’s. Duffyites rejoiced across Facebook fan pages and in letters and calls to the media. Jobs were lost, sacrificed to cleanse our nation of the evils of head shops. It’s a precedent, protest enough and the government will enact new laws, giving power back to the people. It could be on RTE One at 6:30 on a Sunday evening. “This week on Ban Something we have Condoms, the most immoral thing to hit this country since bastard children, and Football, a game invented by a country that gave us 800 years of occupation! Lines are open, vote now! The winner will be outlawed by midnight!”

So, when push comes to shove, what should we ban? What is failing the public, affecting their mental and physical health, and possibly causing death? Get your placards ready, its time to force the government into doing what we want.

Cheryl Cole not as popular as a sausage roll

Not as popular as a sausage roll, more popular than Kerry Katona selling sausage rolls

The most evil thing to hit planet earth since the Black Plague has to be Facebook. I have spent too many hours arguing rubbish points with someone I’ve never met over things as trivial as the best way to cook lamb chops. In the real world it leads you to distraction, blanking real people while you think of your next witty reply, hoping that someone will hit the thumbs up “like” button, and possibly reply with a bit of support. It is a completely pointless activity, a waste of brain power that could be better put to use cooking a few lamb chops. Possibly the best way to get Facebook banned would be to start a “get Facebook banned” Facebook fan page. It got Rage Against the Machine to number one at Christmas, it nearly got a replay with France when Mr Henri decided to thump the ball in the back of the net using his hand and it decided that over 1 million people prefered a sausage roll to Cheryl Cole (they actually prefered a picture of a sausage roll, if it was real it would be a fairly putrid piece of meat surrounded by stinking pastry) Of course there have been cases of people actually coming to harm from Facebook use. One mother of four was stabbed to death by the fiance she met on the site. He stabbed her twice in the back of the head before throwing himself on some railway tracks. Another girl, who was an aspiring model and television presenter, had acid thrown in her face, scarring her permanently with horrific injuries. This website needs to be banned.

Cars bad for your health

Driving on a road, only an idiot would do it

Surely one the most evil things to grace our streets are streets. Yes, roads are lethal. 239 people died on the roads last year, so its time they were gone. How can something that allows a large chunk of metal hurl headlong into your face be considered safe. Ban them now, or our teenagers will never be safe. Since air travel is considered to be the safest method of travel we could all build runways in our back gardens, and fly to work every morning. It would be like Back to the Future. “Roads, where we’re going we don’t need roads”, uttered by the Doc, it could be the mantra for the future.

We all learned a harsh lesson last winter. Freezing weather needs to get the axe. Yes, ban going out in cold weather. Thousands died across Europe in the last cold snap, not being told not to go outside in plummeting temperatures. How can you expect people not to go outside if you don’t force them not to go outside. Ban it, ban it, ban it. For the sake of the children, ban it. Unless of course you had a flying car, in which case going out in the cold might be a little easier.

Burgers are bad for your health

More dangerous than stabbing yourself

Putting our restauranteurs, supermarkets and green grocers out of business may seem a tad harsh, but if it saves just one kids life it will be worth it. Yes folks, ban food. Thousands of people have allergies to different foods, how can we expect them not to eat them without a ban? In America there are on average 76 million poisonings from food every year, with 5,000 deaths. It’s hardly a safe product, and with a ban we could all enjoy government approved gruel out of silver bags knowing that we will always be safe. Yummy! Add to that the risk of choking and you get something more dangerous than playing golf with a ball of semtex. Why hasn’t it been banned already?

If our society is to flourish, we all need to get on the phones to Joe Duffy as soon as possible. The power is in our hands, and we need to use it. Unless the state protects our youth, our youth are is lost. How can we be expected to decide whats good for us and whats not? Banning everything maybe? Possibly, if it stops the risk of death, let me rephrase, the perception of death, its worth it. I need to be nannied, and I want the state to tell me what to do. Hopefully they will also introduce censorship, and then you will won’t have to read this article in the first place.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: